again.

writing here instead of my other blog because i just want to get this out and i know people don't read this.

things that amazing never happen to me, shouldn't that have been a warning sign from the start?

the worst part is; is that this person who gave me hope that there IS someone perfect for me, that chivalry does exist, that i can be so immensely happy, he's, well, not mine.

he'll sort himself out and along the way meet someone who's much more secure, less emotional, more everything i'm not and i'll be left in the past.

while i'll be suffering each and every one of those days from this dull ache that's settled in my chest.

why did i think things would be different this time?

that's life.

peanut butter cake.

i just had this overwhelming feeling that you could be forever.

hopefully you can relate.

please say the words.

does this mean the same thing to you as it does to me?

for you.

no one else will ever be worth losing you.

i know you may never forgive me, and neither will i.

i'll make this right.

i promise.

next scene.

i can't wrap my head around the fact that it's time to go.

i've said for as far back as i can remember that i couldn't wait to get out of this place, and in a few hours i'm finally leaving.

my life is packed up in boxes and suitcases and is ready to be relocated.

home is no longer here, but there.

my family and friends are no longer accessible in person, but only through phone calls, texts, and emails.

that literally breaks my fucking heart, but that's the sacrifice i have to make.

these past few weeks while visiting home, i've been able to see all the faces that have made my time out here worthwhile.

the friends who've picked up the pieces when i've fallen apart; who've stuck by my side even when i've been impossible to deal with.

just because we don't live in the same state anymore, it doesn't make our friendship any less solid, and my heart still is, and always will be, overflowing with love for them.

just know, and you know who you are, that i'll fucking miss you.

everyone keeps asking how my mom and i are gonna handle being apart, and honestly, i don't know.

i can say with 100% confidence that she's my best friend. she's my comfort, my confidant, my everything.

our time being cut down from daily to a few times a year absolutely kills me, but it's a part of life. worse things have happened, and we'll work through it until it becomes normal is all i can really say/hope.

i'm tired of crying my eyes out since i know i have a lot of that to do in a few hours, especially when i say bye to the kitties, so back to the positives!

the time i spent living in florida was the best part of my life thus far, so i know, i am absolutely SURE that this is the right thing for me.

something about that place just makes me feel like i might, just might be truly happy and content.

i'm sure i'll have ups and downs: excitement, loneliness, thrills, breakdowns; but life's an adventure isn't it?

so here's to new locations, new friends, and a new life.

to: whoever

live with passion.

whether you're conveying happiness, anger, hurt, excitement, love, hate, etc...put your fucking heart into it.

and i can honestly say...

i've never been happier.

life. 

is. 

perfect.

that's what you get.

i guess i always sorta knew this would all catch up with me someday.

and i have to pay the price for my reckless actions.

while i'd love to blame it all on someone else, i can't pretend i'm the innocent one.

i messed up, all because of my fucking impulsive nature.

please be okay.

love game.

i recently met a boy who took it upon himself to spell out for me exactly what i'm doing wrong when it comes to relationships. 

i'm too emotional, needy, caring, clingy, affectionate, available...etc.

love REALLY is just a game. 

a girl is 98352957 times more attractive if they're uninterested, or at least SEEM uninterested. 

but once you fuck the game up, by actually showing your genuine feelings, you've lost the boy. 

and i've lost so many boys this way. i had them at first because they were unsure of my feelings, and once i knew they were bonkers over me, i let my guard down and reciprocated the feelings. but that's where i "fucked the game up," and they then immediately lost interest and moved on.

how can no one else think this is the most off the wall fucking bananas concept they've ever hear of?

whatever happened to two people being into each other and just being together? 

why does it have to be all about the fucking chase? eventually you're gonna be caught. then what?

this is so unbelievably frustrating it makes me want to completely give up on love altogether. 

the girl who fucking lives her life for love, wants to turn her back on it. 

there's gotta be at least ONE boy out there who's not completely fucked up. 

find me.

the end is near.

i've met some of the most amazing people that i'm pretty sure exist, out here.

and over these next two weeks i have to watch them all go.

staying is so bittersweet, because the friends out here were what MADE me love disney so much.

and when i get back, they'll be gone. 

i'll have to start over, from scratch.

a little piece of my heart is gonna break without a few of these girls.

but they'll always be a part of my life..i know it.

who knew i would've met a best friend out here?

& maybe in the future..a boyfriend.

if everything works out like it should. :]