pov.

why can't i see what everyone else apparently does? 

all i keep hearing is that i'm beautiful. 

but all i keep seeing is a complete mess.  

everything's changing.

unlike my usual angsty, brokenhearted blogs, this one's more just to get my future down in writing. 

over the course of 2 1/2 weeks, my life path has veered to the left and i've decided to follow it.

this experience, while it's had its ups and downs, has been completely life changing for me. 

i've finally become comfortable with taking that next step in life of detaching myself from my family. 

moving away has always been the plan, it was just a matter of being able to learn how to be away from those i love most. 

i miss my family and friends, every single second of the day...they're a part of me and just writing about them my heart is aching and tears are falling. 

but i can't let that hold me back from following where my life has taken me. my heart is telling me that this is where i need to be, and i'm listening to it. 

now i have to go through the transfer process again. and signing a new lease. 

but the apartment..the school, those are just small details; the easy part. 

the hardest part is letting go.

i'm starting a new life. essentially, i know no one out here, aside from the friends still finishing up their programs, and as scary as that is, it's also exciting because it leaves opportunity to meet amazing people. 

there's also potential for something great out here with someone, but i'll take that one day at a time. :]

i'm going home for a month in january to get packed, make arrangements, spend as much time with my friends and family as i can, and then i'm starting my new life. 

and i couldn't be more excited. 

to the boy who blocked his own shot.

you're awful, i adore you.

i scream to get out of my life as i cling onto you with all my strength.

you're the most masochistic thing i've ever done, by far.

you bring me down so low i swear i feel like i'm already six feet under.

i fucking hope the thought of his hands all over my body made your stomach turn.

and i hope when i'm gone you realize what you've lost. 

we could've had everything.

but instead, we have nothing.

and never will.

so call it quits or get a grip.

on my mind.

i thought we could work this out, but the effort isn't there.

maybe we're better off as strangers.

let's go back to the beginning and forget we ever met.

xo.

i'm no longer blinded.

this is who you really are.

the "old" you is never coming back.

so neither am i.

...

it's getting easier to breathe.

i think the fact i'm so sick now, was a blessing in disguise.

as terrible as being sick is, it's better than being sick over someone. 

good thing i didn't get that vaccine, right? 

jokes on me again, don't worry i laughed about it this time.

having feelings for someone is a cycle.

i'm slowly moving from caring very much for you to beginning to get over you.

just thinking, no knowing, we're better separate than together.

and realizing you were probably right when you said our end was inevitable anyway.

i won't lie though, there's still moments of weakness and choked back tears.

and ones that get away too quickly.

i wonder if you think about this at all, or if you're just happy to put it behind you. 

if i was you, i'd probably go with the latter.

hope you figure yourself out or you're gonna die alone.

.

it's all over now.

misery hates company.

i have the best friends in the world.

but when they try to make me better, i push them as far away as i can because i get off on being down. apparently. 

if you're reading this, and you know who you are, please never give up on me.

i'm disgustingly difficult and stubborn, and i'm crying as i type this thinking of all the wasted effort you've put into helping me, but i promise i'll let you in. 

as for you, the person these last few entries have been about, i'm not sure what to say..think..do.

i think we've come to the end, before we really ever began.

and the part that makes me the most sad is i thought it would be so different with you.

i had the highest hopes for us. 

and maybe that's what the problem was.

unrealistic expectations.

from now on, expect nothing out of anyone..they'll only disappoint.

high hopes lead to heartbreak.

"you may feel alone when you're falling asleep,

and every time tears roll down your cheeks.

but i know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet,

someday you will be loved."

drained.

make plans to break plans.

another night crying myself to sleep.

i'm beginning to think you're not worth it. 

prove me wrong before it's too late.

because one day i'll mean it when i say goodbye.

and that day's not far off.

a [closed] letter.

how did this happen? 

i'm the girl that builds walls so strong, no one even bothers at attempting to tear them down.

and you made them fall to pieces without even trying.

i guess it's ironic i used to laugh about using you and that us, together, was a joke.

who's laughing now?

the most frustrating feeling is, knowing that before you wanted nothing more but to spend time together, and now seeing you is nearly impossible.

seems like i'm losing you and there's nothing i can do about it. 

so all i can do is what i do best, push you away. 

in the end, i guess i'm the selfish one. preserving my own heart comes first. 

by the time you realize i was what you wanted, it'll be too late. 

because i'm pulling farther away as each minute passes of this uncertainty.

maybe you'll read this, maybe you won't; but while you may have problems expressing your feelings, i'll just write mine down for you.

i'm just as scared, if not more so, than you. 

i have things at stake that you can't even begin to understand.

every relationship is full of uncertainty, if they were certain to last, there would really be no use in them.

maybe the risk of heartbreak is too much for some, and that honestly makes me sad. you could pass the love of your life right by and end up settling for someone or living life alone. 

i think every second is worth it, and true, things could go badly, but that's life. you can choose fear or you can choose love, and i choose love. 

so, be mine, or let me go, love. 

xo.

dear...

all i wanted was you.

home is where the hurt is.

so much for keeping up with this. 

maybe i will now. 

probably not.

life in florida's great. 

wish you were here.

but if you're unhappy at the happiest place on earth then what hope do you have?

i really do love it here, but i just can't let myself get too attached. 

it isn't real, just a temporary life. well, i guess that's what life is anyway; temporary.

honestly though, i'm only really sad between the hours of 1-4am. 

that's when he's in my head; visiting hours.

sometimes the pain's almost unbearable.

clutching at my chest, trying to hold my heart together. 

i'm two years too late.

old habits die hard.

i'll let you get the best of me, cuz there's nothing else that i do well.

back from the dead.

maybe it's time to start keeping up with this again, not just for angst-ridden blogs, but just thoughts, memories, anything. the last time i wrote here i was obviously in a pretty dark place, which is now behind me, but tends to have a habit of catching up to me. for now, i'll enjoy the light. really, it is pretty hard not to hit the delete button on some of those old posts, but at the time they were conveying what i felt. 

anyway, love's on my mind tonight, just not in the way i usually view it. over the course of the past few months, along with i guess my whole experiences with dating, it's been altered pretty dramatically. yes, i've always been the girl who's said life should be lived for love. love is all you need. any and every cliche. but do you ever think how sad it is that we put so much effort into one person, so much sacrifice, fighting, heartache, love, and time when they're probably not the person we'll end up with in the end. we just chalk it all up as experience. when we're with that person, and absolutely in love we make plans and promises that we'll spend the rest of our days together, and it seems so very possible at that moment. but years, months, even weeks down the road, that person could just be another stranger we pass on the street. it's an absolutely terrifying concept; the frailty of human relationships. finding lasting love is like striking gold, incredibly rare, but possible. i've always lived with an open heart bursting with love, ready to give everything i have to make someone happy, but sadly, my hearts turned cold and i've grown detached. loneliness is irrelevant. i can live with it. living with heartache? now that i cannot do. 

salvation.

comes in a little plastic bottle.

for such a small price, why think twice?

[non]fiction.

i want to break every mirror before it has the chance to see me. 

not that i'd even recognize who i've become anyway. 

i have completely and utterly become a recluse.

not because i like it, but because my mind has made me this way.

i have no other choice. 

even my own mother can't stand me anymore. 

she cries every day over what has become of me. 

don't worry mom, you're not the only one disappointed.

my body must be defective, because functioning doesn't come easy for me. 

i've finally come to the realization that chances are i'll die alone.

i don't blame him though for not being able to put up with someone so impossible. 

my heads spinning and my minds a mess, i just don't know what to do anymore.

eyes open, eyes closed, everythings looking pretty bleak.

don't bother calling the doctor; i'm already dead.  

trainwreck.

being your own worst enemy can be exhausting,

what happened to my best friend?

mirror, mirror, please make this girl disappear. 

falling in love with myself is impossible, so i fell for you instead. 

i'll never get that boy out of my head. 

i'm. just. spent.

.

things are looking down.

i'm on empty.

*****

i think about you everyday.

even when i'm kissing [insert name here], i imagine it's you.

shh, don't tell.

stop burning bridges.

drive off of them.

nightmare.

i just had to put this down somewhere while i still remember every detail. in hindsight this may sound silly, but this dream completely shook me to the core. i felt what it feels like to die in my dream. everything started out fine, then i was at my house and it started collapsing in on us because fire was everywhere. i was screaming to my family we have to run but they couldn't hear me and when the roof collapsed they died. i knew i was going to die and i felt like i did ,halfway at least, but somehow i got up. i tried running outside but there was some gas in the air that was so terrible it would kill you anyway; basically the world was ending. fire was everywhere and it was just terrifying. i went back inside, where the fire seemed to have stopped and 2 people were there that looked just like my parents did, although they weren't them. we layed down under blankets to try to avoid the gas in the air and i was crying and asked them if they would be my surrogate parents and love me like mine did. they agreed; but it was like we had hope the world would continue even though we knew those were our last few minutes. so we waited, this went on for what felt like an eternity, waiting for it to end, but nothing happened before i woke up. i am terrified and i have the worst anxiety i've ever felt right now. i'm sitting here in bed crying because it felt too real. i don't have any faith in religion, but at times like now i kinda wish i did. i just hope i never live to see the end of the world, which is kind of a contradiction if you think about it. 

...

when will just spending time with me be enough?

when will there no longer need to be an incentive?

when will i ever be worth your time?

& when will you be worth mine?

sometimes i feel like i can only be loved in hour increments.

when will i find someone to prove me wrong?

believe me, i'm lying.

fill my head with pretty lies,

even when they'll be my demise.

assure me i shouldn't be afraid,

fingers crossed to the promise you made.

pull me in, push me away,

either way, you know i'll stay. 

begin as my life,

then turn to my death.

i'll tell you i love you,

with my last dying breath. 

detached.

miss one dose and realize those feelings aren't comatose.

objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

"i slipped, tripped, busted my lip and fell in love."

the other night, i was thinking about that night,

you remember which one i mean right?

when something happened and your pride didn't get in the way. 

still inside, but not the way i want you to be.

you're my cancer, and i'm searching for a cure.

even if it kills me. 

my eyes lost the battle today.

flooded; walls weren't strong enough.

but my minds drifting to some[where/one] else.

each kiss better than the last.

left wanting more in the worst way.

answer me in whispers.

make me lose my mind in the good way.

maybe two wrongs do make a right.

one of those nights...

when the stars don't shine so bright.

my life's missing something,

and you could be it, my shining star.

"i'm miles from where you are,

i lay down on the cold ground.

and i pray that something picks me up,

and sets me down in your warm arms."

forgive me.

my minds been occupied too much lately to keep up with you.

that is why you can't rock my world.

someday you'll see,

what never will be.

you and i, 

but never we. 

sick and fucking tired.

dating's a complete joke.

do you know the pain of being the other girl and not the girl?

i do, which is why i'm happy doing my own thing, not worrying about some retarded dude.

so get fucked and don't even bother trying.

what do you get the girl who has everything?

more.

nothing is ever enough.

and i've learned to live with that. 

take a permanent vacation.

wanna know a secret?

i. could. care. less. [careless]

this means nothing to me, and so do you. 

time filler. 

until my new life.

and the countdown begins. 

stab city.

so last night when i was at starbucks with my friend a crazy fight went down outside and he went all newscaster and got it on film. straight up face stabbing. haha i love it. 

"and then there's another kind of love; the cruelest kind.."

unrequited love.

those three words were stamped return to sender.

not that i thought you would love me back.

just wished.

the one boy i'll never have but always want.

****** *********

don't say i didn't warn you. 

self advice.

never date a guy who pinky swear promises he doesn't act as young as he is.

because chances are he does, and will. 

maturity is not synonymous with eighteen.

you know, i never did like kids.

now i see what everyone meant when they asked what the fuck i was thinking.

i plead temporary insanity.

there was never any room for me anyway, his ego took up most the space.

let's just say, my cradle robbing days are over for good.

thank you for proving MY theory right, whoever i'm talking about. :]

love letter.

i'm hopelessly in love.

and you couldn't care less.

i wish you'd love me back.

but you know i'm such a mess.

why do i always wait til your about to leave i wonder.

you know i'm not over you, so can i get back under?

please listen to me. 

there's so much i have to say.

for once, don't let your pride get in the way. 

god, i'd do anything to make you see.

when you hurt yourself, you're killing me. 

just fall in love, it's the best pain you'll ever feel. 

you're a joke.

and i'm the one laughing now.

lying gets you nowhere dear.

except out of my life.

which is great for my sake! 

sure you can act, you played your part well.

but you're a dime a dozen baby.

there's a million others the same as you, if not better.

oh & you might want to get that ego in check.

although we both know what you're compensating for. 

just had to get all that out there, you know, on the off chance you read this. 

i can only hope!

:]

you're awful, i love you.

i don't think i'll ever get over you completely. 

it's been months and i haven't made much progress.

just when i think i've forgotten, your name comes up on my phone.

one word and you bring me back to the beginning. 

i can't deny, there's been other guys in between.

but there's a part of my heart always on reserve for you. 

here's hoping.

maybe i'll be able to actually sleep tonight.

finally. let. go. 

my only hope

comes in pinks and greens.

choke on your words while i swallow them up.

y[our] song.

i'm coming apart at the seams,

pitching myself for leads in other people's dreams now,

buzz, buzz, buzz doc there's a hole where something was.

there's a hole where something was. 

fell out of bed, butterfly bandage but don't worry.

you'll never remember your head is far too blurry.

put him in the back of a squad car restrain that man,

he needs his head put through a catscan.

hey editor, i'm undeniable.

hey doctor i'm certifiable.

i'm a loose bolt of a complete machine.

what a match, i'm half doomed and you're semi-sweet.

so boycott love, detox just to retox.

and i'd promise you anything for another shot at life.

imperfect boys with their perfect lives.

nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy.

hope you come around [more often].

chill out.

make the north pole seem warm.

[lovetoyourfullpotential]

[your] words are my weapon of choice.

push me away only because you want me to pull harder.

no one will notice the abuse as long as the bleeding's internal.

pretty and perfect, maybe only on the surface.

bet you're taking your microscope back for a refund.

it was faster to build this house than your trust.

i'm an argument away from being locked up.

hide me where i'm safe from this world. 

if only they knew, the real murderer's inside. 

no one should have this kind of power [trip].

but the knife's in one hand, my heart's in the other.

and i just can't stop running my mouth. 

i'm a sentence fragment away from the stab.

will somebody shut her up please?

laughter is the best medicine.

i just found an i/m convo i saved with an ex. 

keep in mind, this took place the same day we met, few days after we started "talking."

and it actually makes me laugh for how naive i [was/am].

and how fucking pathetic he is with line after line of bullshit.

posting some pieces here so i [and any girl for that matter] will remember how words are so carefully made into bait.

and i made the mistake of biting.

"is it wrong for me to say i could see myself possibly spending the rest of my life with you?"

"my chest feels completely empty right now, but i'm totally okay with it cause i know you're the one holding my heart. <3"

"i'm completely falling in love with you, and as much as i'm attracted to you, i really like that it's more than less based solely on our conversations."

"you're the kinda girl that makes me wish i was in a band, just so i could sing about you constantly."

"i'm like seriously "in love" with you...don't get me wrong, i still wanna take things slow, but idk that anyone's ever held a smile on my face this long, and made me feel the way i do when i think about you."

okay so not to say i wasn't shooting every cliche saying right back at him, but in my defense, i AM a girl. a naive, over-emotional one at that, so naturally i was swooning like crazy.

moral of the story, the guy who was "in love" with me and planning our married life out after 3 days left me, a month later, ON my birthday, without a word. not even goodbye. 

the only trace he left behind was his backbone. 

& some killer trust issues.

at least i can't say he never gave me anything. :] 

baby.

you don't want to make me cry. 

or i will fill you with the emptiness inside. 

...cause you're beautiful tonight,

and the stars are burning bright.

and i give this curse to you.

like there's nothing else to do.

it's funny how crazy that you make me feel sometimes.

i'm so broken i can barely even rhyme.

tonight, i guess, i'm human.

running scared. don't follow me.

just when i think i've made my escape, my past is waiting around the next turn.

it hits me so hard, and i feel it all.

as it shatters, all the pain, fear, anger, and sadness are let loose.

i'm not as invincible as i thought i was. 

i'm only human.

too human.

i'll do everything possible to keep my past out of my present.

even if it kills me.

& to a few certain someones:

-i'd do absolutely anything to see your face again. i've only gone once to visit, but i hope you understand how much it hurts to know you're that close but out of my grasp. 

-i'll never let you hurt me again like before. there's nothing between us but air anymore.

-you'll never fully understand how much you mean to me, even if i carved it into your brain. the tip of my tongue has never felt so heavy...

1 word destroys me & 3 words complete me.

giving in never felt so good.

"the only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open."

racing heart.

loss of breath.

feeling faint.

chills up the spine.

with no risk there's no reward.

put it all on the line.

he could either take everything you have and completely destroy you,

or he could mend the pieces together so they're better than what you started with.

i'm hoping for the latter.

for when you don't be[lie]ve.

nothing quite compares to the thrill of making the actor lose their composure.

always poised and perfect, but behind closed doors you come undone.

make my mattress your stage.

no one else's lips/heart will touch me like yours.

there's no ending to this story.

wishyouwerehere.

the storm clouds that have been so relentless have finally passed.

now all i see is sunlight and the hopes of you and me. 

love has a funny way of finding you just when you've given up on it. 

it's like you have to be at an all time low to before you can get high.

i just hope those pretty words you put in my head don't disappear on me.

[onlyamatteroftime]

[in]fidelity.

i just really need to get this out of my head and put it down somewhere. 

maybe this will even be beneficial and you'll understand why i think the way i do.

i cannot trust a single. guy. period. 

i've been the "other girl" [unknowingly always] more than a few times.

i get hit on by guys in relationships a lot. [even fucking engaged]

and sadly even my friends boyfriends have crossed the line at some point.

[disclaimer: i'm not saying your boyfriend is cheating on you]

this is in no way meant to sound egotistical. if you know me, you know the lack of an ego i have. 

this is just to say how dating has evolved in some backwards, fucked, upside down sort of way. 

the legit dating pool's pretty shallow, at this rate it'll be empty in a year. 

but seriously, to those guys that honestly think they can get away with that multiple girl shit..

you have lost. your. fucking. minds.  

i would just like to thank these guys for fucking me up with trust issues because of their lack of fidelity. 

i don't want to ever be the girl who's taken for granted again.

for anyone who wants in, you're gonna have to have an insane amount of persistence and patience.

good luck.